You Are Now
Identity Generator
A new you. Equally unqualified, but with a better nickname.
Official Identity Card
Rupert “The Majestic Envelope” Ramsbottom
Occupation
Licensed Kettle Supervisor
Nemesis
the traffic light at the junction near the office
Secret Power
can eat a biscuit without making crumbs
Hobby
watching loading bars
Not legally binding. Probably.