Complaint Generator

All 30 Complaints

1. 1.
   RE: The Printer — The printer worked perfectly yesterday. Today it has developed strong opinions about my document and has declined to engage. No error message. No explanation. Just a single blinking light that communicates, in its way, that we are no longer on speaking terms.
2. 2.
   RE: The Weather — It was supposed to be sunny. I checked three apps. All three agreed. I wore a light jacket. The sky has betrayed me in a way I will not soon forget.
3. 3.
   RE: The Lid — This lid was on correctly. I opened it correctly. The contents went elsewhere. At no point did I make an error. The laws of physics have a lot to answer for.
4. 4.
   RE: The Wi-Fi — The Wi-Fi works everywhere in this building except where I am sitting. I have tried moving the laptop slightly. I have tried restarting it. I have tried glaring at the router. None of these have worked. The router does not care.
5. 5.
   RE: The Queue — I chose this queue because it was shortest. Within forty seconds of my arrival, something happened at the front that requires a manager, a second form of ID, and apparently a brief philosophical debate. The other queues have moved significantly.
6. 6.
   RE: The Headphone Cable — I placed these headphones gently in my pocket. They were untangled. I have been walking for four minutes. The cable is now a reef knot. This is not physically possible. I demand an investigation.
7. 7.
   RE: The Tap — This tap has two temperatures: scalding and cold. The transition between them lasts approximately 0.3 seconds and occurs without warning. I have been burned. I have been chilled. I have been burned again. The tap is indifferent.
8. 8.
   RE: The USB — It goes in one way. I tried that way. I tried the other way. I tried the first way again. It went in the first way. The USB connector has only two possible orientations and I am apparently unable to identify either of them.
9. 9.
   RE: The Supermarket — They have moved everything. The pasta is where the cereal was. The cereal is in a completely new aisle that did not exist last week. I cannot find the thing I came in for. I have been here twenty-five minutes. I am now leaving with different things.
10. 10.
    RE: The Email — I sent this email at 9am. It is now 3pm. I have received a read receipt. I have received no reply. I am not sure if I am being ignored specifically or if everyone is equally unavailable. The uncertainty is its own kind of suffering.
11. 11.
    RE: The Autocorrect — I typed what I meant. The phone replaced it with something I have never said, would never say, and could not have predicted. The recipient has replied 'lol what?' and I have to explain that I am not, in fact, recommending a 'duck salon' for their birthday.
12. 12.
    RE: The Traffic Light — I arrived at this junction at a perfectly reasonable time. The light turned red as I approached. I have now watched it go green twice for the other direction. The system is not optimised for me specifically, and I feel this is a design oversight.
13. 13.
    RE: The Bag — The bag broke. Not at home, not before I left, not at any point when I could have done something about it. It broke in the exact middle of the street, distributing the contents in a radius that I estimate at approximately six feet.
14. 14.
    RE: The Alarm — I set the alarm. I am certain I set the alarm. The alarm did not go off. I have checked the settings. The alarm was set for PM. I needed AM. I am choosing to blame the interface.
15. 15.
    RE: The Milk — The milk expired today. Not yesterday, which would have been preventable. Not tomorrow, which would have been fine. Today, at approximately 7am, specifically when I had already poured the cereal.
16. 16.
    RE: The Reply-All — Someone has replied-all to an email chain with 47 recipients to say 'thanks!' I now have 12 more reply-alls confirming 'no problem!' My inbox is a document of humanity at its most efficient.
17. 17.
    RE: The Password — This website requires a password of 8-20 characters, one uppercase, one number, one symbol, no repeating characters, and no characters that appeared in my previous four passwords. My new password is meaningless to me. I will forget it immediately.
18. 18.
    RE: The Seat — Someone is in my seat. It is not assigned seating. I understand this. But I sat there yesterday, and the day before, and it is mine in every meaningful sense except the official one, which, unfortunately, is the only one that applies.
19. 19.
    RE: The Film — I looked this film up. The consensus was positive. I trusted the consensus. I have been watching it for ninety minutes and things are happening but I do not know why or to whom. I will finish it because I have invested ninety minutes. This is a known trap.
20. 20.
    RE: The Plant — I watered it. I have been watering it. I spoke to it once, in a moment of optimism. It is doing worse. The internet says I may have been overwatering. The internet previously told me to water it more. The internet is not a botanist.
21. 21.
    RE: The Pen — This pen has ink. I checked. I clicked it. I clicked it again. I drew a small circle on the corner of the paper to get it going, as is customary. The pen is choosing not to write. The pen has made its position clear and I am out of arguments.
22. 22.
    RE: The Notification — My phone notified me of something urgent. I picked it up immediately. The notification was gone. There is no record of what it said. The phone has provided no clarification. I may be missing something important. I will never know what.
23. 23.
    RE: The Update — The update was downloaded. The update was installed. The machine restarted. Something is slightly different in a way I can't identify, and something I used regularly has moved to a location I haven't found yet. Progress.
24. 24.
    RE: The Umbrella — I brought the umbrella today specifically because I was worried about rain. It did not rain. On the one day last week when I did not bring the umbrella, it rained significantly. My umbrella and the weather have reached some kind of arrangement that does not involve me.
25. 25.
    RE: The Parking — There were spaces when I arrived at the car park. There are no longer spaces. The spaces have gone somewhere and I don't know where. I have driven around this car park three times. I am beginning to recognise the other drivers who are also driving around. We do not acknowledge each other.
26. 26.
    RE: The Chip and Pin Machine — It asked me to insert the card. I inserted the card. It asked me to remove the card. I removed the card. It said the transaction had timed out. I do not know when I was supposed to do anything differently. There is a queue forming behind me.
27. 27.
    RE: The Leftovers — I specifically planned to eat these. I labelled them. They are gone. Someone in this household has consumed my lunch without comment or apology. The evidence has been disposed of. I am speaking of nothing else until this is acknowledged.
28. 28.
    RE: The Delivery — The tracking said 'out for delivery' at 7am. It is now 5pm. The item has not been delivered. The tracking now says 'delivery attempted.' No one attempted. No card was left. The delivery van and I have very different ideas of what 'attempted' means.
29. 29.
    RE: The Rechargeable Battery — It was at 45% when I last checked. I did nothing unusual. I looked away for two hours. It is at 3%. The battery has spent all of that charge doing something, and I am not permitted to know what.
30. 30.
    RE: The Squeaky Floorboard — I have memorised this floorboard's location. I avoid it every morning specifically to not wake anyone up. This morning I hit it perfectly, despite knowing exactly where it is, at 6:45am. The floorboard made its loudest sound yet. I believe it is learning.